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Reply to the toast to the lasses at the Eglinton
Burns supper on the 19th of January at Irvine
By Maureen McKerrow
Mr. President, Joe Mr. Chairman, Joe honored guests ladies and gentlemen Charan Gill.
Firstly I would like to thank Charan
for a marvelous witty and humorous toast to the lasses.
I would also thank Joe for his introduction, which has left me speechless..................
But never fear like all the lasses I am never stuck for words and I have scribbled
a few down just in case, and don't worry about the lateness . . . . . . .
. . . . . . Coming later is quite normal for us girls ! ! ! !
I am delighted to be here tonight
and I hope to reply justice on behalf of the lasses.
I bring fraternal greetings from the Burns Howff Club, next Thursday night
at The globe inn one hundred men will assemble to celebrate the birth and
life of Robert Burns.
This year our guest speaker is Mr. Ian Rankine, ex policeman.
Last year we were fortunate to have Tom Sutherland who had been a hostage
in the middle east for 6 years. You know in the middle east you get stoned
if you commit adultery, in Dumfries you get stoned first!!!!!!
The burns Howff club are a marvelous
bunch of boys who historically as a club have been meeting in the globe since
1886. They certainly think they're the bees knees, the crème de
la crème, the pieste de la resistance of the burns world, these 100
men leave the supper pissed with no teeth …..resistance.!!!!!
Tonight we have been flattered and entertained by Charan, and that's one of
the great things about Burns suppers, after a busy Christmas and new year
when us girls have shopped and cooked for Scotland isn't it nice to at last
be appreciated even if some of our fed ways are the butt of an odd joke.
Charan must surely appreciate what we have to do perhaps not just in the kitchen,
considering his culinary expertise? I hear he is the curry king of Glasgow
that eco friendly city which is now lead free and he was recently defending
the reputation of the curry restaurants in that fine city. According to the
herald in comparison to Edinburgh. They say all wise men come form the
east that's Edinburgh or India in Charan's case, and the wiser they are the
faster they come.
Charan I believe is a Seik so I asked my local worthies if they could come
up with a couple of jokes i could tell at a burns supper. This is what they
came up with .......................... Prince Charles was opening the local
hospital and, as he does, making polite conversation to some of the patients
in one of the new wards, and it went like this.
1st patient and how are you feeling my good man..:....
He replied ? well here's a hand my trusty fiere and here's a hand of mine,
He asked the same of the next patient
and the reply was............
What dangers thou canst make us scorn.
3rd patient seemed to also be rantin .
A mans a man for a that and a that! ! ! ! !
The prince turned to the doctor in charge and asked if this was a psychiatric
ward.
OH! No he replied this is the burns unit .......................
A young man had just purchased
a very expensive parrot and was deeply upset to find it dead the following
day. He immediately phoned the vet in the hope that he could save it. The
vet arrived and pronounced the parrot dead. Oh! It can't be responded the
young man, I want a second opinion, O.k. Said the vet who went off and a few
moments later brought in a labrador dog, which sniffed the parrot then turn?ing
to the vet said "its dead", there
You are young man your parrot is dead, no he said I want another opinion,
the vet went off and
brought in a cat which sniffed the parrot and touched it with his paw, he
then turned to the vet and agreed with the dog that the parrot was dead. The
young man accepted the final opinion but was
not happy. The following day the vet returned with the bill for £150,
the young man was shocked
and questioned the bill
To which the vet replied "well for £150 you've had a lab report
and a cats scan!!!!
As one might agree both jokes for the turban.
Charan I believe has a very successful
Bungra Brand and it was recently rumoured that they had signed a contract
with Decca, now they just have to get Decca to sign it.
I also hear that Bill Nolan that well known entertainer and member of the
committee was found in the doorway of what-every-woman wants. Last week after
a night out at the Eglinton Arms. He was arrested by the police and charged
under the trades descriptions act!!!
See Bill that's what happens when you drink on an empty head.
Bill Nolan is the man to be held responsible for me being here tonight so
you can get him later.
When Joe started sending me information about this evening I was unaware of
the history of the club a problem which has been rectified by your president
and which has also seen the destruction of another rain forest. I noted that
the committee number 11 all men, quite a formidable team with few changes
or transfers in fact it would appear they all take it in turn to be captain
/ president. They are all obviously selected for their knowledge of burns
their sparkling wit, intelligence .............. Lack of hair, drinking
ability and size of girth, definitely premier league material.
Several months ago I was driving
through Glasgow to a meeting when I noticed Dick Advoca by the side of the
road being fined by the traffic police for speeding. He was deeply upset
about the £100 fine but delighted with the 3 points.
He recently went into a butchers shop and purchased one tattie scone one piece
of square sausage one egg and a rasher of bacon, the shop assistant asked
him if he was single yes he said I bet you guessed that from what I was buying,
oh no she said its because your an ugly bastard! ! !
An old man purchased a steak from the same shop telling the butcher that he was going to celebrate his 72nd birthday in style. On the way home he had a seat in the park where he was joined by an attractive lady who told him she could tell his age by a simple test, so he agreed to let her test him out. She undid his zip and fondled him, much to his pleasure, well she said I guess your 72. How on earth did you know that he said. Oh she replied I was in the shop behind you.!!!!!
There are many premier clubs within
the burns federation but it is my privilege to be the custodian of The Globe
Inn where the Howff still meet and where also the Dumfries burns club had
their inaugural meeting many years ago.
The Globe itself was established in 1610 but it wasn't until it became the
original theme bar that its history became a source of interest to many. In
burns day Meg Hyslop and Jock looked after the tavern and became close friends
of the poet in fact he charged Meg to take one of his last letters to Thomson
asking for funds prior to his demise.
During his stay at the Globe burns had alliance with Anna Park, Meg and Jocks
niece. After which he wrote Anna with gowden locks.
Yestereen
I had a pint of wine,
A place abody saw naw,
Yestereen lay on this breast of mine,
The gowden locks of Anna,
As you know a child was born to
Anna and when she died that child Betty burns was taken in by Jean Armour.
Showing the depth of compassion of this woman.
We have many visitors from all over the world especially at this time and
we also have many school visits. On one of these occasions I was describing
burns fleeting affair with Anna park when a little voice piped up what does
fleeting mean miss!!!
Recently a slightly inebriate man
came into the bar as I was discussing the merits of some of the burns books
in our possession. Everything I had he had ...... A Kilmarnock edition, a
letter to jean. The very glass he used his guagers stick etc. Etc,
At last he slumped over the counter saying oh but I've got an original copy
of one of his songs. I
Enquired as to which one.
To which he replied oh
its called the star of Rabbie burns and he's even Signed it!!
But us barmaids do have a hard time which is encapsulated in this little poem ....
To A Barmaid.
O' wonder o' the barmaid race
you've always a smile upon your face
Tho a tale is telt by your swollen feet
that that wee corn is gein you jeep
An thru it a"
ye pu and pour the whole night thru
even tho your stays are killing you
a beam for Jimmy?a drambuie for Hughie
you mind them, a cause its you duty
as the night
wears on and i 'am drinking them neat
my een start roamin but no to your feet
I cannae see past the twa lumps on yir jumper
there making my heart gan thumpty thumper
I wink,? an
tell ye your like Grace Kelly
and fair dumped when you answer not on your Nelly
gentlemen please you friendly ca'
when whits in your heid is naff to you a!
Burns also shared a great love
for barmaids but his verses you will agree have stood the test of time. It
would appear he only had affairs with unmarried ladies. And it was during
that time he discovered yodeling ...............................
In fact Burns is known to be the instigator of yodeling a fact I am sure you
are not aware of!! Burns was on his duties as an excise officer when his horse
became lame. He stopped at the nearest farm for a few hours to remove the
stone and give the pony a rest.
Several weeks later the farmer noticed one of his daughters was pale and wan!
And was suspicious of the reason, sure enough she was pregnant, soon the second
daughter was
Also showing the tell tale signs of early pregnancy, as you can imagine the
farmer was not pleased and when the third daughter also appeared in the family
way he was wanting someone's blood, but when could all of these blackards
have been at the farm. Later that day he was out ploughing when he spotted
Burns on his travels, the penny dropped and he shouted over to Burns-
You black devil you've bairnd all my lasses to which Burns replied whilst
making a quick get a way and your old lady to0000000 ! ! !
THE RULES
1. The Female always makes The Rules
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects that the Male knows all The Rules, she must
immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong
6. If the Female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct
result of something the Male did or said wrong
7. The Male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding
8. The Female may change her mind at any time
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent
of the female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time
11. The Male must remain calm at all times unless the Female wants him to
be
angry and/or upset
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether she
wants him to be angry and/or upset
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times
14. If the Female has PMT all The Rules are null and void
15. The female is ready when she is ready
16. The Male is ready at all times
17. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm
18. The Male who does not abide by The Rules can't take the heat, lacks backbone
and is a wimp.
Robert burns wrote in 1792 the rights of woman, for miss fontenelle who presented
it at the theatre royal in Dumfries a theatre which is still in operation
today and is one of the oldest and smallest working theatres in Britain.
While Europe's eye is fixed on mighty things,
the fate of empires and the fall of kings
While
quacks of state must each produce his plan,
a nd even children lisp the rights of man,
Amid this mighty fuss, just let me mention,
the rights of women merit some attention!!!!
Also in 1792 Mary wollensencraft published :-
A vindication of
the rights of woman,
since then we have acquired voting rights equal pay, equal opportunities we
have even had a woman prime minister, it has only taken us over 200 years
to attain all of this which proves that we will always get what we want
eventually.
All men think they have married miss right unfortunately her first name
usually turns out to be always.
Remember the rules, some men are
lucky to have females in charge as in the case of Tich Frier, but a word of
warning Tich, from a quote given by your mp Rosanna Cunningham in 1995:
"The thing that women have got to learn is that no one gives you power
you have to take it"
Until a woman is free to as incompetent as the average male then she never
will be completely equal.!!!!!!
We do have our ways;
The greengrocer was accused of
being the father of a local girls baby. He decided to
give the mother a box of groceries every week until the lad was 16. When the
lad was
approaching his 16th birthday the grocer asked when the due date was, then
he told the
boy to go home and tell his mother that would be the last box of groceries
she was getting
and watch the look upon her face! ! ! ! ! ! ! The boy went home and told his
mum" what the
Grocer had said, she then sent the boy back and told to tell the grocer
that he wasn't
The father after all and watch the look on his Face!!!!!!!!
Unlike the gentleman farmer who when accused of getting his maid into trouble
by her
Mother offered to pay £10,000 when the baby was born and set up a trust
fund of £20,000.
The mother was delighted ,and thanked him?? adding-
in case she's wasn't
pregnant will you give her another chance!!!
I am sure if men could have babies there would never be a population explosion
in fact the human race would probably be on the verge of extinction. Why?
I think all us girls know that men just cannot suffer pain. That common cold
that develops into pneumonia within minutes, the cut although difficult to
see will almost need stitches??? That pulled muscle which restricts access
to the kitchen after 18 holes at the golf club and the stomach upset sair
head could be a hangover no chance one of those two pints he had must have
been bad.
Recently a midwife was called
to a remote farm to help deliver a baby. On arrival there was a massive power
cut, not to be thwarted she put the farmer into action bringing hot water
and a large torch as there was no other means of lighting the bedroom. She
told him to hold it steady whilst she delivered the baby. After 10 minutes
a baby boy was born and the farmer was elated and had just sat down when the
midwife called him back again to hold the torch. This time a little girl arrived
followed quick by another boy.
By this time the farmer was in shock and he collapsed into the nearest chair
exhausted, before he could draw breath he was called on once again to hold
the torch.
Nae fear he said it's the light that's attracting them!!!!!!
The email of the species is
more deadlier than the mail.
Computers where would we be without them? There has been some debate recently
as to what gender a computer is, after all if ships are `she' or `her' what
sex is the humble computer.
Masculine say women
Feminine say the men
Well ladies and gentlemen will modern technology ever be able to replace a woman, mother housewife, lover, bookkeeper, partner, cleaner, secretary, chauffeur, plumber, electrician, gardener, dog walker, babysitter, and of course a mixed foursomes partner but chiefly your best friend.
If the job ever came up for job evaluation some employers may think divorce a cheaper option.